I wrote a liberal clickbait called 10 Reasons Why Life-Sized Iguanas Should Eat Everyone That Is Very Northcote In Northcote. It was high calibre punitive narcissism disguised as abolition, so I expected it to be a real hit with the creative left but no one has invited me to play futsal since then. Sad emoji face.
This is very confusing for me because I was trying to fit in. I have spent the last 14 years of my life people pleasing to develop a sense of belonging in this country. Everyone was taking a moral stance to be outrageously cruel, so I thought it was hip to be punitive under a charitable guise. This extreme finger pointing is typical of the Protestant culture of post-Vice Australians living in gentrified suburbs. Where did I go wrong?
“I think my peers are children of Anglican priests,” I told my Mexican parents, “because they are so scrupulous, unforgiving, and prudish. They lack conflict resolution skills of any kind, so I suspect they grew up in a sheltered convent, where burning the edges of the granola would earn them a good whipping.”
Sure, the items in my listicle read “snort some individuality if you are so desperate to be subversive” and “choosing between muesli and porridge is today’s most consequential risk.” But I did not imagine a bunch of first world casualties would go and tell their mummy that the mean Mexican hurt their little Australian bohemian feelings. Aww baby, where does it ouch? Does it ouch here? Or does it ouch there?
• Philip Brophy, Nothing Has Changed, 2020
• Tara Heffernan, Camille Henrot: Is Today Tomorrow, 2021
• Elizabeth Barret Browning, A Musical Instrument, 1860
• Antonio Valeriano, Nican Mopohua, 1556
• Cameron Hurst, The Right To Viva, 2021
• Maddee Clark and Jinghua Qian, Revising whiteness in aisle five, 2022
• Andrew Sutherland, Resistance is futile, 2020
• Zarah Butcher McGunningle, 'Hi' sounds so passive aggressive, 2020
• Bayo Akomolafe, The Scooby Doo Contingency, 2016