Without telling anybody else

Without telling anybody else

Catalogue essay for Improper Structures

Melbourne Design Week



Home Run Series, 2022, Caro Pattle, textile, dimensions variable. Art Direction, Marsha Golemac. Photograph, Pier Carthew. Image courtesy of the artist.

I thought that finding the answer would make me feel better. But it only makes me ponder. You said something inappropriate last night that made me laugh and now I have a crush on you. Everyone is doing laps at the pool, while I am drowning. I shaved my long hair, only to let it grow again. The taste of chlorine at the back of my tongue reminds me of clean floorboards at the School Principal’s Office. I need to borrow your dreams because someone stole mine. I learnt shame after meeting shame and now I am ashamed of feeling shame.

A negative feeling that is neither the headache of envy, nor the emptiness of confusion: the apathy of satisfaction. The Principal asked me why did I lit a cigarette in the bathroom and I replied, “because I could.” When an eater finds a feeder, they discover neurological captivity. Google says that I have visited your webpage ‘many times’ and now I fear Analytics may reveal too much. The stage is now frightening and dangerous, therefore irresistible.

Procrastination is the fear that I am capable but lazy. Their date pulled out a guitar and started playing flamenco—it was cringe, albeit musically proficient. ‘Thought addiction’ reminds me that chronic emptiness is the underlying disease in drinking-a-little-too-much. You are nice but my needs are radical judgement. Seven days playing one song on repeat to stop time from passing with minimal success. If a stranger robs a ring in your dream, it symbolises a broken promise. The more I try to push everyone away, the more they like me—it is very confusing.

The scrupulosity of a school librarian, the body of a gecko and the charisma of a pervert in a cocktail of longing. I met an older Chilean poet who told me, “you are an attractive man—not a beautiful man—and there is a difference between the two.” My plants know that to live in my house, they need to learn how to grow properly or not grow at all. When I was 17, a stranger called me every day to chat for weeks, until his obsessive miscalls became alarming. “Next time you will be dialling my number from prison hijo de tu chingada madre!” I screamed in the garage, where privacy isolated me from parental enquiry. It was the last time I heard his voice, without ever learning his real name.

My psychologist told me that when we started therapy, I would create a sinister atmosphere in the room and this remark made me realise that he is a judgemental person. But why did I pick up calls from a stranger to engage in conversation without telling anybody else? Curiosity looks like 2 police officers running towards their car as one of them exclaims “oh shit, oh shit,” prior to them taking off at high speed. A YouTube clip of a cow and a bull having sex as they walk towards a moving vehicle that crashes against them. Both survive.